jokes & wise cracks

MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.


Lesson 2:
A pastor offered the church organ player a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The pastor nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The organist said, 'Remember Psalm 129?'
The pastor removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The organist once again said, 'Remember Psalm 129?'
The pastor apologized 'Sorry, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the destination, the organist sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the pastor rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, a nd the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
You can all now go for your tea break, for just 5min.

now i paticularly loved the first,and fifth one and now for the wisecracks
can remeber just two
i think it was either bernard shaw or winston churchill

he was retuning home one night froim the pub whr he'd gone to have a coupla drinks and happened to be drunk, as he was now going home, one of these dowager ladies (read as iya isonu)now saw him......
and contorted her nose and said "ummmmph!ur drunk!....snortishly
to which he responded
"yes madam, i know,but tomorrow i'll be sober,but u maam are very ugly.

another one was an observation by either of these gentlemen
one pretty young blond model and a rich distinguised old "handsome" lady were to pass a tight walkwayand the young lady noticed the middle-aged woman trying to hustle a lil and pass first so she just shifted aside a lil as if dont touch me...oya pass... and said "age before beauty"...
the old woman just walked forward unhurriedly past her and said....."and pearls before swine.

at least i've posted!.lol.

its not sexy!....

its not sexy!......
why do guys feel like they have to keep you guessing or wht game is it they are playing anyways
i dont get it, mgbeks wrote something about this not too long ago....is it tht guys are spoilt ni o
pls guys help me out here.....im trying to understand.......from your perspective

@is it tht girls are too plenty nowadays u'd feel stupid if u ended up not picking what u supposedly think is the best so u try not to commit to anyone until ur sure whc one u want?????
b)is it tht u are still not used to rejection tht u want to bide your time and be sure the girl is not gona say no when u eventually get the liver to ask.
C)you seem non-committal cos commitment scares u
D)u wish u never have to get married.duh!we do too!
e)u want to postpone getting married for as long as you can since u know its inevitable.
F)plain old greed or u cant seem to make up your mind about the girl u want
i'mma try to paint some scenarios cos frankly the scenarios themselves are so shady or inexplicable tht i'm wondering how i'll succeed painting them.

forgive my language pls cos i'm, in a ranting mode

scenario 1:-asshole has a girlfriend,does not deny the fact, girl has given him like 5 yrs of her life so....(ko mo bo se ma gbegba....he doesnt know how to opt out).....has another chick he blows hot and cold with.......tells her ish like why did he not meet her before the woman he's dating now and all....whts girl in question supposed to feel........girl in question now has some guy giving her attention and all and asshole feels he has the right to be jealous.been acting funny and cold and downright immature...excuse me....being in a relationship himself has taken away the right for him to feel jealous about another man giving girl in question attn.get over urself and stop giving attitude.......afterall he categorically informed girl in question he's in a relationship.

scenario 2:-mofo gets all up close and personal and does mushy stuvs,refers to them hypothetically hving kids together, at the verge of dating once but backed out under the pretense of girl not being submissive cos he was a domineering male.resurrects back and wriggls/warms his way back into girls life...but biding time ,not.........giving anythn away as to whether he wants to be friends or lovers.....misyans one day..and girl gives him the silent treatment for a few days now he's gone awol. for his sake he had better not re-appear cos kasala go burst! ........claps hands together....wht happened to the days when guys offend you i.e when they hv not become full bfs and they are the ones trying to get back into 3 3 ur good graces.....

scenARIO 3:dbanj!!!!!!!!!kini koko????!!!!!!!!!!!whts this guy's 411 as in wht does he want...like standard how many days, months/years does it take to decide whether u like a girl enuff to want to ask her out.......for goodness sakes its not marriage its just going out....if it does not work out u can back out..........u act all mushy mushy, closey gooey and wht hv u....make funny remarks and give babe ideas...all the while girl does not know ur "p".....infact ore oriburuku wo lobinrin ati okunrin bara won se kiri- (whc kain stupid friendship boy and girl dey do up and down)

infact i have concluded tht my fuse is getting shorter for guys who fall into any of these 3 categories as in wtf!wht the heck are u feeling like.....or u pass derogatory remarks and expect babe to keep mute...cos of wht,ur the man or wht or notori afe je malu a wa ma pe malu ni broda(because we wan chop cow, we go come dey call vow bros)...nonsense!

ODE TO MY DAD

HERE GOES.......

ode to my popsie or is it poksie...like one razz girl i met during my service year.she also used to call pepsi, peksi(all with a yoruba accent).

although we are not as close as father and daughter should be, i love u all the same

I remember weekends, we will assemble and u will play sunday ade on the turntable.....i remeber it so vividly..."what do u desire wht do u have under o....sweet banana....sweet sweeet swweet banana....and u will pick the best dancer and give her a up of "samco icecream.fun!

or when u gather the neighbourhood kids and play thriller for all of us and we'd all be excited.

I remember when we were in primary school, we were a lot closer.... 4 slices of bread,and chasing us out of the house with koboko anytime past 7.30am so we won't be late for school.
I remember the stories, jokes,teasingriddles,...half a circle, a circle, half a circle, a circle, and a triangle with 2 legs equals COCOA. or was it the one i found so hilarious......there was this ruler, we all should know him, he was a dictator,he was from niger state, he became a ruler in 1985.....how tall is the ruler.....naturally we were racking our brains thinking how tall babangida would be, until he finally tells us...a ruler is 12 inches long.
oR IS IT ONE DAY WHEN U ASKED ME TO SWEEP YOUR ROOM AND IT WAS SO HOT, I WAS JUST GRUMBLING AND MUTTERING UNDER MY BREATHE...OOOH God! this stupid broom now, too short, all my back is paining me....too strong it cannot even sweep very well....pschew...! UNIL I HEARD YOUR LOUD VOICE...."CYNIC....ALWAYS GRUMBLING...only a lazy workman quarrels with his tools.

or is it when we write our boardingg house list and u take out ur glasses and pen and slash everythn into half, we soon learnt to outsmart u though, the next time we doubled everythn on our list so when u halfed it, wen got everythn we wanted.lol.

or is it your powerful amala and jollofrice even sweeter than momsie's own sef when mummy travelled in 1987 to kaduna for a course for 3weeks and left 3 of us to your care without any househelp.

or the fun we used to have when we go to yetkem and buy those humongous steaming hot meatpie tht we would eat for the whole day and still not be able to finish

or one text message u left on my phone on my 25th birthday....SayingHAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING....youth is the best part of any human's life,u're at the peak of your youth, invest IT in your future"

i love you dada even though we might "differ" a lot of times